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We all have three basic needs – the need for security, love and self-worth.  These three needs are very powerful as they are high-alert reactions. They are intrinsic to the very core of our being, to the fundamental sense of wellbeing and survival.

If I experience a loss of connection it creates overwhelming stress:

Distress, signals to us the deep need for unconditional love, bonding and being touched by others. This reaction is driven by the heart centre – which is the centre that innately pursues the need for bonding and love.

If I experience that I am not being treated right, are violated, it creates overwhelming stress:

Anger occurs when we experience that we are not being treated right, are being violated, or that we are not getting what we want/need at any given point. This reaction is driven by the body centre which is the centre that senses what is wrong about the world around us and how we need to act to correct it in order to fulfil ourselves.

If I feel a threat, challenge or danger to my security it creates overwhelm stress:

Fear signals our direct knowing of what makes life secure. Fear occurs when we experience a threat, challenge or danger to our very security. This reaction is driven by the head centre of expression, which is the centre that figures out what makes life certain and secure for us.

How do we get these basic needs met – love, security and self-worth?

Human nature needs to utilize tactics to get these three basic needs met. Naturally, it brings out our defence systems and a lot of stress. Some of us will become assertive (aggressive, practical, expansive) others, compliant (idealistic, abiding) and yet others will withdraw (detached, resigned). Can you find your pattern within these defences? Do you cut off from feelings and try to solve problems logically, by using objectivity and knowledge or do you withdrawn to try and keep the balance, or do you want a response from significant others? Or yet do you react strongly and become over emotional with a strong desire to know where you stand in the world?

What influence does your way of coping in meeting these needs have on your relationship? Take some time and thing about this – also get some feedback from your partner.

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